things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So many bounce houses so little time
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
