please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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