Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
