Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
