so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
