I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
