Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
