this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize