also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
