Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
