I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
