i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
