Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
