Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm getting married
To pizza
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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