I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
