WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
