i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
