i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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