So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
