i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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