tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
