Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I am one with the molecules
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
