A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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