I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
