see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
