You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
