Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I won't apologize to a one balled man
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
