This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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