Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
