Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
