I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
