I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
