my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
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I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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