I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
