i think i have two assholes
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I need moral support for this bender
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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