Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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