It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
