you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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