Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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