you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
