I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
