I met the friendliest cop last night
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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