Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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