I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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