Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize