Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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