what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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