I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
