A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
