Pregnant stripper...not hot.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
