I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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