Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
