The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
