I hate your face
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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