it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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