I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
