the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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