My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i believe in u and ur pee
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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