apparently the secret to your success is patron
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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