at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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