watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
