ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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