This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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