I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize