She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
