You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
