Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
