He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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