Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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