I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my being single is dangerous.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
