I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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