She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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