oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I look better un-naked...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
