Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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