They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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