You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize